Junshan Li, April 5, 1997
Birth
I was born in a small village in Hubei province in central China. My parents, who are poor peasants, had six children of which I am the second. The most interesting activity for me to do during my childhood was to study, since I considered study much easier than doing hard labor with my burdened parents. Even while I was very young, perhaps at the age of six, I started to tell lies. I remember vividly one day instead of going to school, I played games with some village boys all day long. Later, I told my mother that I had worked hard at school. My mother gave me very comforting words.School Years
Since I am the first son in my family, my parents paid great attention to my studies. They always wished me to bring honor to my ancestors through my education. To my parents reward, somehow I became one of the outstanding students when I was in high school. Later I was among the one percent of those who were chosen to enter a university. During my college years, 1981-85, my interests were wide ranging covering many fields, but I was no longer outstanding.
Work, Marriage and Interests
After I graduated from college with a degree in physics, I was sent to work as an assistant professor of physics at another university, which was an Institute. There I met my wife, Yan Chen. We were married in March, 1988--a year before I went to the United States for graduate studies. My major interests were biology and physics. At that time several of our friends gathered regularly to discuss the newest developments in biology and physics. We dreamed someday we might obtain a Nobel prize.
U.S. Dream and Realization
During the four years that I worked at the Institute, a desire to go to United States for a better life was germinated. I started to work on this goal persistently. I spent a year to go through standard exams, applying to schools, and so on. The environment then was also very favorable to my undertaking. Since I did not show a very outstanding record either on my examination score or college record, although I was accepted by the University of Oregon at Eugene, I was not rewarded a scholarship. How could I pay all my living expenses and out-of-state tuition then--remember my parents were poor peasants with six children? This is how my new story will begin.
I knew a friend in my college years, whose name is the most popular Chinese surname Zhang. He was sent to the U.S. by the government to study just after his graduation. I wrote to him asking if he could find a financial sponsor for me, since I learned that without a financial sponsor I could never be issued a visa to the U.S.
To my great comfort, he did find someone who was willing to sponsor me. My friend Zhang asked me to write to my sponsor* directly for details. But he warned me that I should in no way ask more help (especially in financial terms) from my sponsor than just a nominal sponsorship since I did not know him personally. I agreed.
I wrote to my sponsor who kindly provided all the sponsorship documents I needed. So with joy and hope I went north to our capital city, Beijing, to try to obtain my visa. My application was rejected. Reason: No real bases of relationship between the sponsor and me. I was very disappointed since all my efforts and investments were in vain. In my desperation, I asked the consulate: "How could I prove to you that my sponsor can really support me?" He answered: "Unless he can pay a year's tuition for you in advance."
For the next step, I was forced to break my agreement with my friend Zhang. I sent a telegram from Beijing to my sponsor and asked him if he could help pay a year's tuition for me in advance, which was then $3,700. Then I returned to my wife’s home in Shenyang, northern China. Three days later I got a telegram from my sponsor who told me he was willing to help. Soon afterward I received a letter which was full of encouragement, and there was also a check for $3,700 enclosed made out to the University of Oregon.
Visa and A Plane Ticket
With a letter, a check and a telegram, I went back to Beijing with confidence to apply for my visa again. I remember that it was almost the last day of 1988 -- December 30. I was the last one to enter the embassy. And I got my visa!
With all this grace shown to me from a stranger, in the depth of my heart I sensed that there must be something very special about my sponsor. It seemed that there was some higher, loftier love than parental love or friendship, a new kind of love I never experienced before. My friend Zhang told me that my sponsor is a Christian, so I vaguely deem this love to me had something to do with his Christian faith.
I was so joyful and excited after I got my visa. I phoned my sponsor to share my joy. On the phone I made an extra petition to him: "Could you buy a plane ticket for me?" since I was then quite broke and had exhausted all my resources. He did not answer "Yes" or "No", but he said: "One way or two way?" I said: "One way, one way is enough!" since I was thinking that I would not go back to China!
Missing Each Other
Not long after I called my sponsor, I received another letter from him. In this letter he told me that he had already purchased the plane ticket for me. He also enclosed a personal check for $500 for me to get started in the U.S. The most exciting news was that he said he was going to attend a conference in Hong Kong and would like to visit China and bring the plane ticket to me! In his letter he mentioned that he would visit Canton, Chongqing and Wuhan (Wuhan was where I was working). I was very glad to meet my benefactor and eagerly waiting to see him.
When the time came, I went to Chongqing airport to meet my sponsor, but I didn't see him! Later I found out that he had changed his schedule and had gone to Wuhan by a different mode of travel, but I was still in Chongqing--28 hours away by train! However, my sponsor gave the plane ticket to one of my colleagues and left for Nanjing. When I finally got back to Wuhan, I was only able to reach my sponsor by phone in Nanjing, and said to him: "I have gotten the plane ticket, I will see you in the States!"
East and West
I started my school life in Eugene, Oregon on the U.S. west coast in March, 1989. My sponsor lives on the east coast in Washington DC. In fact, I did not meet my sponsor until three years later. First I naively thought that I could probably work and study at the same time so that I could support myself without bothering my sponsor. Soon I found out that this was impossible and illegal for international students. Should I ask for help from my sponsor? Actually, this was exactly what I did.
I wrote to my sponsor and explained my situation. I had gotten his permission to use the $3,700 check, partly to pay my first quarter's tuition and cover my living expenses. This was how I survived the first quarter.
Although I tried hard to obtain a scholarship, I never succeeded. In the beginning of the second quarter, I asked for $3,000 from my sponsor to cover my expenses and the amount was provided.
When the third term came, I still had nowhere else to turn. Again I asked for another $3,000 from the same person I had not yet met (This amount was also kindly provided). At this time my sponsor wrote to me and told me that he had to remodel his house and could not provide further assistance to me. Although I was quite proud and consider myself very high, my performance at school was not very good. In my conscience, I felt ashamed to ask more money from a stranger. But how could I make ends meet?
At My Wit’s End
At this point I saw no way out. All kinds of pressure piled up. Financially, I was close to broke. Although I had been in the U.S. for a year, I still had language problems. I also felt culture conflicts. I was separated from my wife for a year and was emotionally very unbalanced. I lost all hope. I figured that there was almost no human being on the earth I knew who was able to help me. If I did get some help, it must come from something beyond human. I really regreted that I had come to the United States.
Although I was facing a very dark future, my needs were not immediate. Since the summer of 1990 had begun, I did not have to attend school and pay tuition. I was allowed to work to earn a living for a summer. At that time I was acquainted with a Christian professor in the biology department. I was applying for a summer research fellowship and really hoping that I could get it. So I asked him to write a recommendation letter for me. He said to me: "Don't worry, I will write a good recommendation letter for you and make sure that you get that position!" His word came true! Although the stipend was only $1,920, it was a big encouragement.
A Wonderful Provision
Since I came to the States, I had been thinking to have my wife come to live with me during my graduate studies. But because my financial source was not certain, I was not able to invite her over. She could be my great help financially and emotionally since she need not attend school and might be able to work to support my studies.
During that time my wife wrote urging me to invite her over since she heard that it was not as difficult now to get a visa as in prior years. The U.S. government gave a grace period for Chinese students' spouses to come to the States for those entered in the States before April, 1990. So I prepared the documents to invite her to come to join me. She was rejected in five minutes the first time she applied for her visa, since I did not show a strong financial standing. But when she tried a week later with the same documents to a different consulate, she was approved and obtained her visa, also in five minutes!
Coincidence or Arrangements?
The most marvelous thing I experienced at this time happened like this: One day when I finished all my final exams and was relieved from all the burdens for that semester, I came home and tried to call some friends to relax. To my disappointment, none of my friends were at home to answer my phone! So I went "crazy" and dialed a number to my wife's work unit in China, since normally I would never do such a thing and was saving every penny for my future survival. This call would cost me $15!
To my greatest delight, I heard my wife's voice answering the phone. The first word she said was: "I got my visa TODAY!" I could hardly believe my ears! But this news brightened my whole being! Soon I got a plane ticket for her and bought a used car for $700. My wife came to reunite with me in the U.S. on August 31, 1990!
A Change of Attitude
I can never deny that my wife’s coming was one of the greatest turning points in my life. There is not a second person in the whole world who can fit my needs as she can! She balanced my fallen being and brought very promising support to my studies financially. I was like a ship sailing on the sea; the ship was already broken and leaking greatly and tilted and sinking rapidly. But an unseen hand sent my wife here and the ship was straightened and it started to sail again! Quickly my wife was provided two jobs. She was the second person to support my studies after my sponsor, and she did it for 6 years!
Previously I was very ambitious, trying to get ahead in science and make myself famous. But after my wife’s arrival, I seemed to realize that my life was not just a machine or a slave of science. It seemed there was something more in my being than working at science. Science shouldn’t be my sole devotion.
Seek, You Shall Find!
I started to seek the way to fulfill my life. It seemed to me neither natural science nor social science could give me a satisfying answer. So I turned toward religion. In my mind Christianity had no deeper things, since I had gone to a local Baptist church and did not find there what my heart seemed to be seeking. To me, it was nothing more than just a foreign doctrine. Therefore, I quit attending the Christian community to seek the Truth deeper.
There arose in me a kind of patriotic enthusiasm in my religious seeking. I thought that I am a Chinese. The native Chinese religions are Buddhism, Taoism, and Confucianism. So I started to orient my interests in these religions. I hoped that I could combine my understanding of modern science and Chinese religions so that Chinese religions could once again be presented as superior.
An Old Religious Fanatic and A Young Crazy Seeker
Right at that time I met an extraordinary old man. This man was from Taiwan, a 40-year practitioner of all Chinese religions. He somehow associated these religions together and made them a unity. He has deep knowledge of all major Chinese religions and can recite many strange scriptures of Buddhism and Taoism. Although it was the first time we met, we were like old friends despite a 30 year age difference. I wanted to find a way to deliver myself and to obtain a very high level of experience in Chinese religious mysticism. His guidance was the golden touch to my seeking heart.
It turned out that the way to "deliver" myself from all evils and burdens is very easy to understand in Chinese religious terms. There are only two things you have to do. One is that YOU MUST MAKE YOURSELF EMPTY so that you won’t have even a trace of evil thoughts(!?); the other is that YOU MUST DO A GREAT AMOUNT OF GOOD DEEDS TO OTHERS. But these two points are not easy to do at all! You must empty yourself to a point that you are no longer a human being, without evil thoughts, evil deeds, natural desires, desires of meat, marriage, and on and on. Although this made me uneasy, it was the only way recommended. I started to practice these things with enthusiasm.
After a few months’ effort, one day it dawned on me that it is impossible for me to reach those standards if I am still living as I had already failed to meet certain easy requirements--like not hating others. So I thought that if I die then everything would be empty! It is better to die when I am young than to die when I am old and sick! So death is the answer for my perfection. But this did not seem right and normal to me. I spent a whole week thinking about only one question: "What is the real meaning of my life?" I found no answer to it. I was at a dead end.
Waters To A Dry Land
I was like a thirsty and dry land needing waters of life but found none. Just then my former friend Zhang who had introduced me to my sponsor wrote a letter to me. He had not written to me for two years. In his letter he wrote: "Junshan, I know that you did not have a smooth sail after you had been in the States. But it was God who brought you here. I hope you have believed in the only true and living God-- Jesus Christ. If you have not yet believed, you should seek Him. Although you might have been to churches but found no great comfort from Christians, do not let yourself be discouraged. Christians are also men with faults, but Christ is the true God and always righteous. You can put your trust in Him. I myself have been a Christian for two years, and God has answered all my prayers. He also healed my duodenal ulcer. ..." Zhang’s letter awakened me for it was speaking to my need. It came to me at the right time.
Helping Others Or Being Helped?
In the same period, I was invited to watch a movie called "Jesus". Somehow, I was much touched. I watched it several times. Although I was fruitless in practicing those Chinese meditations, I still kept seeking and practicing doing good to others. Once I found a kind Christian elderly lady, Martha, who had no money to pay a yard worker. I volunteered to do the yard work without pay. In return, she insisted to have Bible studies at my house to repay my deeds. And I agreed since I considered all religions are the same: To do good to self and others. I asked her many sharp and unbelieving questions.
I wanted to do more good deeds. Just then there was a middle-aged Christian couple (Cao’s) from China who were visiting scholars and they were looking for a place to live. They had only a small stipend and tried to find a cheap place. Although I did not have an extra private room at my student apartment, the living room was available. I asked them to stay with my wife and I using the living room space, if they did not mind. They stayed. But from their prayers and daily witness, we were brought into very close contact with real Christians. My wife started to attend prayer meetings in a local Chinese church which this couple often attended.
No Baptism for An Unbeliever
After some time of Bible study, I considered that it would be good for me to attend a church. So I started to go to this elder sister Martha’s church. I found myself quite comfortable there and agreed with most of what the preacher said. So one day I said to sister Martha: "I want to get baptized!" since I wanted to become one of them. I figured out that all of them were baptized and I did not want to be an outsider. However, when I was invited to have a personal conversation with the pastor, the pastor asked me: "Why do you want to get baptized?" I answered, "I have no reason, I just want to get baptized." But in reality, there were still major parts of the Bible I did not agree with nor believe. That was only an intelligent decision, not an inner conviction. When the next baptism time came, my name was not called.
My Wife Became a Christian!
My wife became a very devout Buddhist and an idol worshipper when she was left alone in China while I was studying in the U.S. After she came to the States and I started to attend Church meetings, naturally she refused to go with me; and she had no interest in Bible studies. Rather, she would like me to go with her to Buddhist gatherings. But when she heard that I wanted to get baptized, her inner being was quite disturbed. Nobody knew her fears since she considered that there would be great conflicts in the spiritual world if the husband and wife believed in two different gods. There was no one with whom she could share her fear.
Once, when she was invited to a Thanksgiving Day dinner, there were Christians giving testimonies. She was deeply touched. It was as if a great light had dawned in her heart. Her fear was totally gone. She realized that Jesus Christ was the greatest God she needed. She believed and peace flowed in her heart.
I Really Wanted to Become a Christian!
When I saw the changes in my wife’s attitude, I really wanted to become a Christian. But I couldn’t have the conviction which my wife had since I still had an unbelieving heart towards Genesis. Genesis (or Creation) is the foundation of all God’s manifested and unmanifested work. How could I get the conviction that I belong to God and that the Holy Spirit was in me without believing in Genesis? The Holy Spirit cannot live in an unbelieving heart.
The Christians around me realized the fervent seeking heart that was within me. It so happened that there was a winter Christian gospel camp in the Seattle, Washington area during New Year time of 1992, and I was invited to go for free! So I went. This was the first time in my three years in the U.S. that I met such an impressive group of people. The camp was in a forest. Everyone I met was so gentle, loving, and humble. I felt that I had come to a river of love. These people seemed to have come from a world different than the one I knew in which everyone just worried about their own business, had their own independence, learned how to protect their privacy and were proud! The environment was such that I was to taste the heavenly things.
It was so strange to me that the speaker on the stage seemed to speak a message directly for me. I came to the camp filled with unbelief and with a settled mind about Creation--it seemed that nobody could convince me that Creation was not a fairy tale. But the speaker seemed to know all my mind and started straight with evolution and Creation. The speaker was a doctor with a Ph.D. degree in biology and medical science. I had no doubt that he knew what he was talking about concerning evolution. Facing the evidences, soon I saw that evolution was not a perfect theory.
When the speaker depicted how great is the universe, how beautiful and accurate its establishment, how small and short-lived are we human beings, I became convinced that my thoughts about the Creation might be wrong. I realized that even my keenest understanding might have limitations towards a much higher Creator. Suddenly, as if the light dawned on me: "I was already deeply loved by this Creator God!" The Spirit revealed to me how God had cared for me even before I knew anything about Him:
When I strove to come to the U.S. to study and in a hopeless situation, He sent me a sponsor. When all my resource, support, and hope were gone and I was under great pressure, He brought my wife to me. When I went astray to seek the broken wells of Chinese traditions to quench my inner thirst for life, He sent an elder with deep knowledge and experience of these things so that I could understand their limitations and impossibility. Through the practices of those meditations of an empty "god", I realized that my effort was in vain. At the right time, there came the letter. The Lord even sent His angels to conduct Bible studies to soften and prepare my heart. He even let a native Chinese Christian couple come to live with us to remove those foreign feelings of Christian faith. He did all these things because only He is the true and living God. There are no other gods like Him.
He was so patient, so practical, so timely, so wise in dealing with me--a wretched and wicked sinner! He has so much faith in me. He knew that I was rebellious beyond control and had to go through difficulties to realize His loving hands.
Right during the meeting, I prayed to God--the Creator. I said: "Lord, forgive me! From now on I will NOT REASON with You. I will believe You with my conscience regardless what my rational mind may say!" I realized that if I did not believe this Father God, I would be a person against my own conscience, a wicked person indeed. As I made this commitment, I felt a gentle warmth in my heart. I understood that was the witness of the Holy Spirit. I knew that I had the assurance of a believer--just as my wife did.
A New Journey
It has been five years since I believed my loving God. How many wonderful things and great changes in my life we have experienced! He is so gentle, so merciful, so patient towards His child. I can testify that His grace towards us during these five years are far greater than the grace I have written about above. He is my Shepherd, what shall I want? I know Whom I have believed and I believe deeply that He will keep all that I have given Him until that day. Glory be to His name!
Think about His love,
Think about His mercy,
Think about His grace
that's brought me through.
For as high as the
heavens above,
so great is the measure
of our Father's love.
Great is the measure of
our Father's love.
How could I forget His love?
How could I forget His mercy?
He satisfies, He satisfies, He
satisfies my desires.
Great is the measure of our
Father's love.
Even when I've strayed away,
His tender love has sought me
out;
and found me, He found me, and
carried me back home.
Great is the measure of our Father's
love.
* My sponsor has read this manuscript and requested that his name should be hidden.